I’ve been waiting for decades for him, yet no man has actually been grand. And no I don’t mean he has to be gorgeous, fine and rich (of course, such characteristics are not unappealing). I mean he has to stand-out and above the approximate 616 unacceptable choices thus far. Yes, it seems I have met and dated a lot of men, but in reality it factors to about 15 men per year for the past 40 years.
Sure, there were some who passed the boyfriend test and stayed around. There were even three (3) proposals of marriage. One time I did accept until I quickly came to my senses through all the chemical attraction. The other two, I had to decline and move on with my life. So no, on average, I didn’t sleep with 15 different men each year. I just kept my options and mind open to possibilities.
You see, I’ve never been conventional. Just extremely determined and patient.
Although, my patience was tested with man #616, which was just last week. Now that I am back in Atlanta and fairly new to Facebook. I’ve been on the site only since December 2016. In keeping with the notion of hope, I took a random “digital message” from a new “Friend.” Within seconds of acknowledging that I was willing to engage in conversation, this person proceeded to ask me a rather complex question. He wanted to know if I was “emotionally available?”
Well, that was a first for me. I didn’t know that question/his game/jargon. I guess I’ve been approached by more sophisticated men. Some of my dates have been born in other countries or I have met them in Cote D’Ivoire, Germany, the Bahamas, Britain, Jamaica….You get the picture. So at 1 a.m., to have a man ask me if I am “emotionally available,” I took the bait. After all, I am trying to maintain an open mind.
Well hours later, what I call Stage One had transpired. I thought the level of “intrigue” and flow of the conversation was going in a good direction. Then, the situation turned. The next day, the person gave me a telephone call (No, I don’t have a problem giving my telephone number to someone I have never met, IF that person is known to other people I actually know and trust.). By the end of the telephone call, I couldn’t tell if the person was SINCERE, A PERVERT or AN ARROGANT TURD.
Since I have not heard from him in a week, I now assume that he was a COWARD.
Such experiences have motivated me to finally answer the question that I have been asked a million times. For years, many people have asked me why I have never married. Simple answer—the men were not grand. Sure, all men can be great--ask their girlfriends, significant others, and wives. However, few men have the real capacity for grandness.
Day after day, year-after-year, women complain stating that it’s impossible to find good men. Some women even step up the requirements seeking a great man. For me, the thirst for a grand man started in my late twenties.
Yes, as stated earlier, I have had my share of boyfriends, dates in high school, college, grad school and life. Sadly most initial meetings were predictable, bland, and conclusive. The subtle cross the room eye contact at a nightclub or meeting. The mutual family or friend introduction. The shared experience or kindred soul connection (always short lived). And rarely, even though most exhilarating, the bold self-introduction of “I want to get to know you.” Now those guys are usually the visually stunning and sexy ones. You have to be out of your mind to say “no” to a guy that confident.
But then comes the first round of dating. “How about dinner and a movie?” often offered as a safe plan. Really, I would think to myself. I know where this is headed…straight to Blandville, USA. Or, what about the new-age guys who want to do an adventure, dance classes, art classes, museums, etc. And don’t even mention the muscle-chasers who want to go workout. For real? Really? The smell of strange, crowd sweat is going to ignite and elevate my interest in you?
No. It’s not. No more typical dates for me.
By the time I was in my late 20s, I realized that I would take an audience seat in life and watch all the romantic disasters unfold. There have been many to witness. From friends and friends of friends and their friends and relatives and neighbors and so on and on and on… I wasn’t going to waste one more ounce of energy on this predictable and unfulfilling game called dating. I chose to hold back 50% of myself until my “Mr. Grand” came along.
You can write the scenario like acts in a play. First there is Stage One, the Chemical Stage: Your body senses an interest in the person. You admire their appearance, smile, eyes, smell, words, gestures, etc. Your attention is aroused and focused on the prey. You help by lingering long enough in your gaze, your stance, the closeness, the conversation, and finally you strike. A few test questions. They vary per person. The one of interest passes your test. You go in for the physical connection test. You touch, by accident or maybe not. You move in close for the kiss or you stand even closer for the heat, the initial bodily contact. Inside, you are sweating now. Stage one complete.
Stage Two is what I call the Communication Stage. Does he call me? Does she text you back? What about the back and forth is mutual, exhausting, fruitful, fruitless? Does it end in the string of dates? The typical types of dates I described earlier. The typical ones that lead to dread and boredom. The ones that lead to friendly goodbyes or mutual cheating to get rid of the once perfect possibility. If communication is off track then Stage Two is done. End game.
If you survive Stage Two, then ladies, you have a good man. Congratulations! Send me an invitation to the wedding.
Of course, Stage Three is called Staying the Course. I have found that Stage Three is quite confusing, difficult and exhausting. If you have found a good man, you are probably doing the normal American married life things: buying a house, having children, surviving the holidays and in-laws, planning anniversaries, rediscovering each other (date nights, sex nights, quality time) and trying to stay healthy. Sounds good.
If he lasts through it all, if you two last through it with smiles, laughter, steadfast love and devotion then ladies, you have found one of the few great men in the world! God has shined on you both.
Now to what I seek.
Grand Stage One in a relationship is based on everything I already mentioned in Stage One for most relationships. The only difference is that Grand Stage Two starts immediately thereafter. I love when a man does not want to end our initial meeting, when it is mutually intoxicating.
So, let’s talk about going deeper into a Grand Stage Two relationship. It has to be an out of the ordinary experience right up front. Perhaps, only as a suggested scenario, the two of us could participate in a tournament. Why a tournament? You get to spend quite a bit of time together without focusing on time. You get to see how the person handles competition and working together towards a mutual end. Does he laugh, make you laugh, gets angry too fast. You get to see if the person is into you or has wandering ways. You might even have lunch, dinner, and free time to see the level of the person’s etiquette skills. Of course, you also get to see how the person dresses casually and for dinner. There is so much one can gain by doing out-of-the-box activities.
Repeat this type of activity and you are off to a Grand Stage Two relationship with Vanessa.
And finally, in a Grand Stage Three relationship with Vanessa, a man would have to understand and find most compatible, a life without borders. Yes, we could have a set address, but the clock is ticking and I have so much I want to see and do! If he envisions a sedentary life with time watching sports, drinking at the bar, sitting through business conferences and banquets, and entertaining bosses and clients then count me out! Life is getting shorter and shorter. Your best years are NOW! Let’s skip the waiting for retirement.
Are you aware that African Americans are waiting to retire between the ages of 62-66? Yet, on average most African-American men die by the age of 59. And most African-American women die by the age of 64. Yes, that’s scary! So why are you waiting for a day that may never arrive before you start to fully live your life????
I’ve been ready to share my wondrous life. Just know that I’m seeking a Grand Man with whom to share it.
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*Vanessa Brantley Style395.blogspot.com, June 25, 2017, "I’m Seeking a Grand Man”, Volume 7, Blog 1b [vol. 7, 1a-1c].
*Photos are provided as visuals only. I have never met most of these men nor dated any of these men. I met Will Smith and Jada Pinckett once--individually-- before they were married. I worked on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as an extra and Will was in the scene. I met Jada by coincidence while partying at a nigthclub. I told her I liked her orange jumpsuit. The color was stunning. I had no idea she would become a famous person. It was in the 1990s.
I met Leon at the Mandalay Bay Casino in one of their restaurants. I spoke and he said, "Hello lovely ladies."
